Survivors of Charn
Has there ever been a war more utterly jazz? We’re all having a splendid time. At first, the general said fifteen year old girls shouldn’t play with deadly weapons, but the fighting is going so well now that he’s issuing the best impaling irons to practically everyone. So now it is official: I am Honoria Woebegone, attiliator extraordinaire, and chief criminal investigator for Legio IX, second cohort.
My first case was a bit of internal policing. I called it the Case of the Blasted Asses.
You’d never guess what ruddy bollocks goes on outside the grand old metrop. I investigated a dodgy looking village and uncovered a nest of smugglers, traitors and opera ticket scalpers. The bally ballyness of it all made it seem so bally bally! But all was made right when the evildoers felt the smack of the bat of justice, which is not a carnivorous flying mammal, nor made of earthly wood, but is eternal and unmoving. When the lead geezer discovered he’d been outfoxed by a mere chit of a girl he wept like a child and was most gruesomely executed.
Off to my second case: the Case of the Groggy Garrison. My detachment was posted to a frontier fort. When we arrived we discovered that the entire garrison was utterly woozled. With a bit of detective work, I found the giggle juice factory and weaponized the highly flammable products of its misadventure. Clearly, the entire company suffered a case of the blue whatsits, so I gave them a rousing speech to lift their spirits. I explained, that as a frontier garrison it was our duty to die a beautiful but futile death on the first day of the invasion. Us girls bore a special responsibility because we would almost certainly be subject to the most hideous indignities, whereupon our sacred honor required that we chastise the enemy most severely by opening our own throats. The garrison was so ill equipped that many of the women lacked the most rudimentary suicide knives. And so I offered to loan them mine in the fullness of time.
As it so happened the fort was almost immediately threatened by a highly coordinated flanking movement of diseased housecats, while a column of zombies assaulted the wall’s outer face. The previously pickled garrison covered themselves with glory and utterly defeated our hideous foes, rendering superfluous the proposed program of self-exsanguination, which has therefore been postponed to a more propitious hour.